


Hitchhikers Guide to Mysteries

by Nobody is still Somebody (Young_Leaf)



Series: The Holistic Detective Association [1]
Category: Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams, The Secret Series - Pseudonymous Bosch, Welcome to Night Vale, 文豪ストレイドッグス | Bungou Stray Dogs
Genre: Alternate Universe - Detectives, Implied Sexual Content, Inspired by my childhood nostalgia, Multi, On Indefinite Hiatus
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-25
Updated: 2020-01-10
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:48:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21556507
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Young_Leaf/pseuds/Nobody%20is%20still%20Somebody
Summary: Fyodor Dostoyevsky, founder of The Holistic Detective Association, is given a case, where he and his co-workers must burn through snacks and money, give up their sleep and save the world at the same time, free of cost (You’re welcome, by the way).All to find the secret to life.
Series: The Holistic Detective Association [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1553515
Comments: 2
Kudos: 11





	1. In the Middle of a Shithole

In some part of England, there is a dingy apartment building that reeks of drugs, mildew, cigarette smoke, pizza and every other smell, but, and this is a surprising one, sex.

In this building, the entire thirteenth floor is owned by a definitely crazy, self-proclaimed, detective. Where he got the money from, no one knows, considering all he ate was old and stale pizza.

On this floor, there was an apartment, in this apartment was a bedroom.

* * *

Now, from here on out, I’ll be tossing names around, so feel free to wonder what the hell is going on with me.

* * *

If Pythogoras saw the proportions of the room, he’d have a heart attack, if by chance, Martha Stewart saw the room decor, she’d have an aneurysm, if Light Yagami, somehow saw the room, the owner would’ve died from a heart attack a long time ago, if Michelangelo saw the style of the room, he’d kill himself and if the Devil saw the resident of this room, he would resign from his job.

All-in-all, it was a shithole.

The walls were neon green mixed with neon yellow (It was essentially, the colour of puke), there was not a spot on the floor that wasn’t covered in dust bunnies, used cigarettes, moldy pizza, empty pizza boxes and heavily stained sheets of paper.

The bed was no better, really. Instead of a blanket, it was covered in dirty clothes and the pillow was a shirt that hadn’t been washed for God knows how long.

To be honest, no one wanted to step in the room, except for its occupant, Fyodor Mikhailovich Dostoyevsky, self-proclaimed private detective, full-time asshole, NEET and public health hazard and occasional dick. Not even his secretary, Mushitarou, who did nothing but moan about his ex-boyfriend and low pay all day long, wanted to take a step into that mess.

Fyodor woke from his sleep, when it was 1:00 in the afternoon. He proceeded to light a cigarette, that he picked up from his impossibly disgusting night stand. He took a long inahale, and threw away the butt, once he was done. Somehow, by some odd miracle, the building didn’t go down in flames.

He waltzed out of his room in a way only those who truly indulged in sin could manage, and lazily dragged himself past Mushitarou’s desk in the living room, which was squeezed alongside the settee, in front of the television, which was on for some odd reason.   
  
Another odd thing, was that Mushitarou himself, wasn’t there. This, however, was ignored.  
  


Fyodor glared at the fridge, before walking past it and towards the kitchen. 

* * *

Now, some of you are wondering, ‘What is the fridge doing outside the kitchen?’

I say, for your own sanity, please don’t ask.

* * *

Fyodor opened the kitchen cabinet, hoping to have those ready-made waffles he brought from the store, only to be met with a giant sign reading ‘FUCK YOU’, in capital letters.

It also happened to be one of the reasons why Mushitarou wasn’t here today.

The other reason just so happened to be that today was the anniversary of the founding of The Holistic Detective Association, a group of self-styled detectives, with only 3-4 exceptions. 

  
This meant that Mushitaoru would have to work overtime, for which he wouldn’t be paid, which he hated even more than his boss.

This also meant that Fyodor would have to do all the work himself and have to walk in on a few horny teenagers for other stuff.

The only relief was that Akutagawa would be staying with his apprentices in some motel, because, according to the lawyer, “I rather hear my apprentices fucking each other all night long than sleep here!”, which, to be fair, was his loss.

Fyodor would later find his waffles in the trash bin.

No prizes for guessing who it was.

But really, it was okay. It just meant more pizza.

* * *

Meanwhile, somewhere in the world, some genius began to attempt to destroy humankind.

Not necessarily a bad thing, but you get my drift.

Anyways, someone wanted to eradicate humanity, and then the planet. All for the goddamn answer to life.

The Secret.

Psuedonomyous Bosch let out a sigh.

”Just great, here we go again! Snickett is going to flip once he hears this!”

* * *

Also, some random person caught fire in the middle of Baker Street, but you didn’t hear it from me.

* * *

Oh, and another few things, some person drank arsenic mixed with their tea, despite not mixing even milk or sugar with it.

They were the only one at home.

Somewhere in London, some old guy was decapitated with scythe while his nephew wasted away upstairs, watching telly.

You, also didn’t hear these from me.

Good day, darling! Hope to see you again!  
  
  


Or should I say.........Goodnight?


	2. This announcement is NOT good for you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone finally arrives, those who can run away as far as possible, bolt off somewhere else and a person die of unnatural causes and our detectives do nothing but argue.  
> 
> 
> No pressure.

Unsurprisingly, the last ones to arrive were Christie, Doyle, Adams and Colfer.

It happened to be a rather normal thing though. If you’re closer to a place, you tend to leave late, and when you leave late, you’re naturally the last one to arrive to the location.

While Doyle and Colfer were busy glaring at Christies Union Jack print purse, Adams actually asked a very valid question.

”Has anyone seen Bosch and Snickett?

Everyone went silent, because, well for starters, they weren’t very observant detectives.

It was this moment that Bosch and Snickett chose to crash through the window, crushing Ango, who had been standing near the window (a rather foolish decision, really), underneath them.  
  
Bosch pushed Snickett off of him and probably kicked Ango in the spine, at least three times, before standing up and taking a deep long breath, that was so long, one wondered if he’d stop to actually talk.

”THE WORLD IS ABOUT TO END!” He announced, on the top of his lungs.

Fyodor choked on his twelve day old, moldy and stale pizza, while Akutagawa thanked every God, for the fact that Chuuya and Dazai had decided to eat somewhere else (A VERY good decision), as his apprentices would probably fly into a rage and destroy the place.

* * *

”So you mean someone has found out about the secret again?!” Satyajit burst out.

”Calm down,” said Colfer, “this happens every other Friday.”

”You don’t get it!” Bosch wailed, “It isn’t a random middle-schooler, but someone who wants to destroy the world!”

”For the last time, The Midnight Sun does not exist!” Sighed Nikolai, exasperated.

”But, Count Olaf-“ Started Snickett, before being cut off by the Russian government official.

”Count Olaf is locked in a bird cage and is still stuck on the Galactic Highway!” Nikolai stated, with a mix of firmness and exasperation.

”But, if you want me to check, I could always get on the Heart of Gold, and zoom there.” Adams suggested.

”Doug is making sense, today.” Noted Fyodor, with a very suspicious tone. He paused for a second, before suddenly jolting up.

”WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ADAMS?!”

”WHAT DO YOU MEAN? I ALWAYS MAKE SENSE! AND I HAVEN’T BEEN REPLACED?”

”Holy crap, Bosch is right, the world is ending.”

* * *

Meanwhile, somewhere in this city, there was this really nice old man whom everyone called ‘Grandpa’, who makes really good food in huge portions and feeds the orphans.

He also ran a restaurant called ‘Grandpa Kitchen’, which Dazai and Chuuya were currently patronizing with their money.

Or were their stomachs being blessed by Narayan Reddy’s cooking?

I know the answer and I’m not sharing it with you.

* * *

Oh! And, another thing! About the unnatural death, a certain Arthur Dent was zapped with a lightning bolt on a clear summer morning.

Like I said darling, no pressure at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It has been a month since the Thaata from Grandpa Kitchen passed away, so I decided to feature him.
> 
> He also deserves his own character.
> 
> In fact, I’m going to feature him in every story in this series.


	3. Danger in......Somewhere

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the mysterious incidents are listed in the news, the Association only decides to intervene after a client looses his head in front of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No one does a slice like Big Rico’s

While, all the ‘adults’ in the room were busy screaming about how the world was about to end, someone rang the doorbell.

Of course, them being the responsible and observant detectives that they claimed to be, didn’t notice.

Everyone, except for Oda and Ango, who opened it and offered the rather shaken client a seat.

* * *

In the meantime, despite all the warnings, someone thought about that dog park near the town, the one that you’re not supposed to think about, see or talk about, the one where humans and dogs weren’t allowed to enter and came equipped with its own hooded figure that stole babies and probably killed people? I’m not sure about the second part, so don’t ask me please.

Anyways, despite the warnings of one Joseph Fink, some idiots decided to think about the dog park, and the Hooded Figure decided to emerge and walk out.

All the way to Dostoyevsky’s place. Why he didn’t take a cab, is beyond me.

Once his destination was reached, he proceeded to walk up the stairs. Why he didn’t use the elevator, is also beyond me.

No seriously, why? Health freak, much?

* * *

What’s that? I should focus on the story instead?  
  


Well I should focus on my homework, but you don’t see me doing that, do you?!

Now, back to the story...

* * *

Oda and Ango were listening to the mans story, about how his husband, Holmes, spontaneously combusted in the middle of Baker Street, which, to be frank, wasn’t odd. People spontaneously combust all the time. A normal occurrence really, or at least according to everyone who was a founding member of the association.

“This is no mystery! Happens all the time! Besides, the bugger is dead!” Said Doyle, who, despite never meeting the Late Mr. Holmes and only listening to the man when the name and cause of death were mentioned, hated his guts with a truly admirable passion.

It seemed that everyone born 1995 and onwards, were the only ones with their shit together.

Well except for Colfer, but he talked to faeries, so according to most people, he didn’t count, because the fae loved him, and he was probably immortal, or a clone, for that matter.

Suddenly, the door swung open.

* * *

Now here’s an MCQ! Guess correctly and no one will get hurt!

Who is at the door?  
  


A. Big Rico’s pizza delivery boy

B. A puppy

C. The Hooded Figure

D. A bunch of minions singing the Banana Song

* * *

  
Times up. Let us move on.

* * *

And the Hooded Figure entered the room. Everyone stopped what they were doing to watch him.

He stopped behind the client, and vomited a neon green scythe, out of his non-existent mouth.

And then decapitated the client and walked out of the building.

No one had any words.

* * *

See, no one got hurt, someone just died!

* * *

**_ It has been announced that the Holistic Detective Association shall be looking into these mysterious deaths. They also offer their condolences to the families of Mr. Watson and Mr. Holmes. But first, they’ll be eating pizza at Big Rico’s, so don’t stop by here. _ **

****....Read the poster on the board, which had been put up by Oguri Mushitarou, in public and personal interest.

No one will read however, because no one ever enters that building for our crummy heroes. Just cheap booze and drugs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m thinking of listening to Alice Isn’t Dead after my exams, for some reason.
> 
> Also, I made waffles and they tasted great.


	4. The Vogons have NOTHING to say

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Vogons would like to interrupt your not really pleasant reading experience with an important announcement

I really wish I didn’t have to say this, but the Vogons have something to say. I can only hope it doesn’t involve their poetry. If it does, well then, it was nice knowing you.

Now if you excuse me, I have to make a suitably hasty escape before they throw me out through the space hatch.

* * *

”Attention Earth! We are pleased to inform you that your planet will be decimated in six months! Evacuate if you wish! If you don’t,well we’ll be more than happy to decimate you!

Thank you, for yourajdhjdskjsjss-“

* * *

Sorry, that was me. Had to throw them down the hatch myself. Quite nasty if I do say so myself.

I mean some days it gets hard being me, everyone literally keeps begging me to clean up after them.

**Come back now.**

I’m busy, can’t you see?

**Please?  
**

Alright, fine! I’ll come over, it’s just that the readers have been waiting so long! I haven’t updated them in months!

**The readers?! Then this can wait. Go on!  
**

Apologies for the interruption, we’re back on air now.

* * *

”Why are we even here?” Asked Agatha, “What are we going to do? Also, Ranpo where is your apprentice?!”

”Listen here coloniser, and listen well, Sakaguchi is no longer my apprentice. Get it through your head!”

Agatha sputtered, face red.

Fyodor looked up from his nth pizza slice, and finally, asked the real question:

”Who wants to pay?”

* * *

In case you’re wondering, Gogol paid the bill.

* * *

Meanwhile, the hooded figure mauled another same sex couple, which finally answered the longtime question:

”Should we cancel the hooded figures or not?”

* * *

Somewhere in the city, Joseph Fink is busy trying to destroy all the conspiracy theories. I honestly sympathize wi-

Sorry, just has to get onto a better ship. But anyways, I feel for him and would send him a message for moral support, but I’m to busy trying to drive this ship that my boyfriends stole, so I can’t talk know, sorry.

But before I leave, how time do you think it’ll take for Adams to realize that ship his gone?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story makes less and less sense with every update

**Author's Note:**

> Members of the Holistic Detective Agency:  
> Fyodor Dostoyevsky  
> Ranpo Edogawa  
> Edgar Allan Poe  
> Agatha Christie  
> Sakaguchi Ango  
> Akutagawa Ryuunosuke  
> Mushitarou Oguri  
> Arthur Conan Doyle  
> Douglas Adams
> 
> Honorary members:  
> Pseudonymous Bosch  
> Lemony Snickett  
> Satyajit Ray  
> Yosano Akiko  
> H.P. Lovecraft  
> Dazai Osamu  
> Nakahara Chuuya  
> Oda Sakunosuke  
> Nikolai Gogol  
> Eoin Colfer


End file.
